The middle ground is a receptive and conceiving state; it is both the birth of form and the formless; it is a place where things are begotten and conception itself touches us.

... Suddenly, in the midst of the chaos of middle ground, something begins to organize itself.

Somatic Reality, Stanley Keleman.

This is the story of a period in my life which starts anywhere in time and travels beyond my present moment only to appear later on with the outlines of a new design. These are personal reflections regarding a transformational process which occurs in the life of every human being.Biologically, it refers to hormonal change, but in terms of our system as a whole it relates to the end of a cycle, a point where we witness the introduction of a different life rhythm and, with it, among other things, the expanding of our awareness with respect to values and concepts -- all of which together pave the way to renewed possibilities of action and direction.

At a later point in the text, I also describe a trip to the States in July 1992 with two friends and colleagues, Humbertho Oliveira and Marly Chagas, in order to participate in Stanley Keleman's Summer workshop at the Center for Energetic Studies in Berkeley, California. The particular course we attended was entitled: "Love Stories: Giving and Taking".

The experience of becoming better acquainted with Keleman and his professional and life trajectories, while adding still another dimension to my story, also helped me to close it from the standpoint of a subjective interpretation of his theoretical views. However, it should be pointed out that my account describes a strictly personal experience and that it is not a discussion of concepts and theories.

A human being may suddenly realize that her life is in turmoil, that it is undergoing some profound revision of which she was not aware till that moment; she notices a process moving on its own without conscious effort or deliberately focused direction. The person observes an insistent retrospective taking place almost spontaneously. I search throughout the first decades of my life for similar experiences.

As a small child I do not recall being overly fond of myself. Growing up was an urgent need. Adulthood would provide me with the kind of control over my own life which was so lacking. As a grown-up I would have stability of both solving the problems of my family -- how early in life I detect omnipotence! -- and finding opportunities to build something constructive and secure for myself. By something constructive I realize today I meant nothing other than some kind of inner, but also outer, structure which would assure a minimum of respect and recognition for myself, thereby opening the way to a life of dignity and joy.

As a teenager I would have been happy to remain 15, 16 or 17 years old, since to me these were the ages of beauty and romance. Thus unconscious alienation was my refuge from the emptiness and sadness resulting from a rough personal life and the superficial values of the carioca generation of the fifties. I was still not appreciative of myself and, consequently, was not happy either.

This dissatisfaction stemmed both from the particularly difficult aspects of my own individual life story and the generally superficial lifestyle of an average Brazilian adolescent lacking any political consciousness just prior to the '64 coup d'état, which plunged this country into the darkness of a 21 year dictatorship.

I recall appreciating my hands and legs, but I had little overall awareness of my physical self. At age 20 I started noticing myself more and, gradually, built a positive feeling regarding my appearance and bodily shapes. Age was unimportant to me in those days and, despite my growing physical awareness, I was not vain. When I reached 40 I started to ponder about the meaning of a hypothetical menopause. But even then, such questions were always dealt with as experiences which only happened to others.

During one of my trips abroad I found a book in New York describing a feminist approach to menopause. From then on I became involved with the possibility of prevention and began an intensive treatment in homeopathy with that intention in mind. It was in my 40's that my 20/20 vision lost that sharpness of which I had always been so proud. When playing crapaud with my father as a child I used to love hearing him say that I had the eyes of an eagle. For the first time in my life I now needed glasses to read. The degrees of presbyopia increased steadily as the years went by, a fact which filled me with frustration and challenged my narcissism even further.

I am not sure exactly when I allowed myself to notice that my body could no longer stand the pace I had always subjected it to. That was the final blow to my then still unconscious narcissism. I had always carried my load without complaints and often carried loads that did not belong to me.

From my early years I got used to bearing upon my shoulders much more than my own burden. I worked hard and most of my free time was dedicated to studying so I could develop professionally. And this, I always did with pride, never being concerned about the possibility of overworking. When I noticed fatigue interfering with that pattern I believed I was ill. As I observed my reactions I decided to undergo treatments considered appropriate for stress and its symptoms. But, little by little, I became aware that I was in fact going through a deep and characteristic transformation. Our society surely has specific names for it, but this transition, like any transition for that matter, should not be named because it is unique to each individual.

At first, all of this brought aging and death to my mind, prospects to which I could not reconcile myself, despite their continuous presence in my reflections. After all, considering that I am both so young in spirit and appearance, especially in terms of what is referred to as the third age, and considering the briefness of my life to this date, at least with respect to experience gained, why should I bother with such questions at this stage ?

As I spent my time reading about death I also had to come to terms with new sensations. I was overtaken by the awareness of a profound lack of satisfaction and immense fatigue. There were times when I rejected every aspect of my life. And, above all, I could not understand the contradictions which insistently presented themselves in reflections. Considering that everything I was involved with felt exactly right when compared to all my

previous dreams and tasks and experience, how could I explain that, at specific times, I wanted nothing other than to abandon everything and do nothing at all or do things completely differently from my routine occupations ?

It was only gradually, aided by the affectionate support of a therapist profoundly concerned with the self-healing process, that I came to realize I was in the midst of a transition -- the first conscious one in my life. My therapist made me understand that that was a time to do nothing other than hibernate and meditate on compassion, letting go and acceptance.

To me, that was the road to the meaning of death and rebirth in the transition or middle ground, as described by Stanley Keleman. In discussing the stages of the Formative Process, Keleman states that whatever wants to emerge from this place, we normally refer to as crazy, illogical, unacceptable, irrational, out of sequence, unexpected. And, he adds, we are touched by something sacred.

Today, after almost two years of such meditative practice, which ultimately led me, among other things, to seek out Stanley Keleman, I could say that the thing which makes this transition distinct from all other experiences I have gone through, is not that I am getting older and therefore closer to death. What made this stage so special for me is that this time I am a little more in touch with my body and, as a result, with my very self.

During this transition I became more aware of my system as a whole, of my existence as an energetic being, of how I use my energies and, lastly, of the meaning of both my personal story and my current life.

I came to know my inner organization in a totally new way. Perhaps it would be more honest to say that I became more aware of how little I perceive my inner organization or, after Keleman's workshop, of how much more it is possible to experience and how different the quality of this experience can be. Such questions, among others, as "Why I am here?" and "What is the meaning of my existence?" became significant guiding lights in this quest which has always been the characteristic feature of my life.

Certainly the results of the self-healing therapy would have been less meaningful had I not been prepared for it during an almost lifelong path of self-reflection.

At any rate, it is no easy task. I felt an urgent need to break with things even if only for a brief period of time. The break would have to be complete with sensations and perceptions of myself as I was right then.

It was at that moment that the opportunity for me to enroll in a course taught by Stanley Keleman of the Center of Energetic Studies in Berkeley, California, arose. The title of one of the 1992 Summer workshops caught my eye and heart right away: "Stories of Love -- Giving and Taking".

This theme inspired me with the courage I needed to get organized and overcome all obstacles to take time off and break away from the way I had approached the issues of my life till then. I gathered my belongings and, with the help of very dear friends, took off.

What I knew about Stanley Keleman's Formative Process was nothing compared to what I experienced during those ten days. And even that was nothing compared to the prospect of self-understanding which unfolded before me. I understood, furthermore, that had I not had all that therapy preparing me for the workshop, and the complete, albeit short, break with the life I was leading, it would have been hard to integrate those moments of learning.

I saw more clearly that in this middle ground a radical change of values was taking place; that the awareness of bodily shape and somatic organization, as viewed from this energetic approach, were at one and the same time the mainstays of my being as a whole. I had better insight about how energy as a basic concept, when viewed in terms of its bodily denseness was in itself the ground of what I had heretofore referred to as spirituality. That, however, is much vaster that the present account allows for.

I realized that, rather than being completely dissatisfied with every aspect of my life, I was waging a fierce struggle within myself trying to cope with the need to accept the ending of a stage in my life, a style of being, thinking and behaving. I also understood that the reason this inner battle hurt so much was because something in me refused to allow this energetic transmutation. It would eventually take place anyway, but how much easier it would be if I let go of this, by now, meaningless pattern of holding on, and allowed for the emerging of emptiness or even the fear of the unknown. Most important was that I realized I could go through this in full organismic awareness. And that is where the difference lay.

This is the middle ground, the passage from one state of consciousness, of one way of perceiving reality, to another stage of consciousness, another way of perceiving the same reality. Now I can refer to Keleman's concept in the way I understand it, that is, from the standpoint of my current experience. Again, I wish to make it clear that, rather than theoretically expounding on the meaning of the expression middle ground, my account is based on an inner experience, which at the same time as it affected my perception, is presently affecting the way I exist in this world.

During the first days of the workshop on the meaning of love as it relates to giving and receiving, I dreamt that I was worrying about my clinical practice in Brazil. In the dream I asked myself how I would deal with things upon my return, inasmuch as after my insights nothing would be the same and I would feel unable to carry out my work as before. I told Stanley about my dream and the emerging new awareness of recent times. He answered that this place was very familiar to him as he had been there often in his life and he realized how uncomfortable it was. He suggested that I be honest with my clients, as this would help them be in touch with their own ground.

Formative Process is about how our bodies organize themselves and about how life emerges, how it flowers and unfolds within us and about us at each moment. It teaches us to become aware of our somatic organization and of our internal processes, as well as their external manifestations. At the same time as it intensifies our perception of our responses and organismic reactions, and as it helps us participate more and more in every aspect of our lives, this somatic approach makes a clear distinction between what is a constitutional or genetic given, and what has become a pattern of distortion. And lastly, rather than having to do with change, somatic reality is about awareness and choice, and about giving more substance to any of the different aspects existing in one's own personality.

To me, at this moment, Formative Process is about trusting the deep wisdom of our being, and trusting the greater mind which rules our cosmos, because such an attitude might help us allow the full flowering of our being.

In that sense one could say that the roots of this approach can be traced to millenary Buddhist concepts. Many current styles of therapy, each with its own characteristics, philosophy and methodology, share some of this particular outlook of life.

As I slowly learn from various experiences presenting themselves on my path, I choose silence as my steady companion.

Through these reflections, however, I meant simply to share the manner in which concentration and the slow process of self-healing allowed a new awareness to emerge in me transforming what was distressful into a means of contact and growth.

The Chinese ideogram representing the concept crisis carries with it the meanings of risk and opportunity. As human beings we often go through experiences for which Western culture offers little if any support. Anything potentially capable of opening new possibilities of behavior and action becomes, as a result of sheer ignorance and a lack of opportunity for other insights, that which actually prevents the expansion of our beings.

I have always viewed my professional work in the light of my own life experiences and I have learned how trust emerges from careful and appropriate opening and sharing.

Spiritual growth and expansion, consequences of a permanent search, have been throughout my life the essential nourishment of my entire being. As long as that is my focus I can understand the significance of the word devotion. In my view, devotion means appreciation of each and every moment and experience in life.

A breath of air and a ray of light brighten my path as I encounter the mysteries of my inner ocean. As I own the middle ground I am in, a new awareness gently unfolds allowing me to sense the presence of my inner ground and essence.

April 1993

NOTE: Suggested readings on the concept of Middle Ground, theories tied to the Formative Process, and transitions in life:

1 >> KELEMAN, S. Somatic Reality. Berkeley, Ca.; Center Press, 1979
2 >> BOADELLA, D. Lifestreams, Routledge Kegan Paul Ltd., London,1987
3 >> SHEEHY, G. Passages: Predictable Crises of Adult Life, Bantam Books, Inc., 1976 (Chapter 1 of Part 1 -- Madness and Method)

The Author:

Susana Hertelendy
Somatic Psychotherapist